Posted on

Something Has Changed Within Me……Something is Not the Same

Lyrics from “Defying Gravity”

Something has changed within meSomething is not the sameI’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s gameToo late for second-guessingToo late to go back to sleepIt’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap
It’s time to try defying gravityI think I’ll try defying gravityAnd you can’t pull me down

…I’m through accepting limits‘Cause someone says they’re soSome things I cannot change, but ’til I try, I’ll never knowToo long I’ve been afraid ofLosing love, I guess I’ve lostWell, if that’s love, it comes at much too high a cost…

No, I have not seen the “Wicked” movie yet, but being a musical theater kid I of course know all of the tunes. Who doesn’t want to Defy Gravity!?  Who doesn’t dream of flying?

I have been thinking a lot lately about different ways in which life sets limits on us and how we can chose to defy those limits.  In fact, the movie, “Wicked” is a perfect example.

I wanted to go see the movie as soon as it hit the theaters.  In fact, I wanted to make it an Occasion.  I told you; I am musical theater nerd!  I wanted to make it the dinner -in- the- theater sort of experience, and I planned to dress up in green for Elphaba. Yep, I identify with the green girl that is a little weird!

But none of that happened.  It wasn’t realistic.  I haven’t been in a movie theater since the pandemic.  Going to a movie theater, packed with people and eating and drinking next to them is a recipe for getting sick.  I really cannot  do it and feel smart about it.  Talk about setting limits and being reminded of things I’ve lost!  I really wanted to just ignore reality, leap and  go.

I almost did.

But then I remembered there is no Wizard.  And I am not a real witch.  And I cannot fly everywhere I wish to go.  I am quite literally grounded.

But I can fly with my mind. (I know that sounds strange.)

I can let my spirit fly.  I can soar with music.

I just have defy my own gravity. And by that I mean feeling trapped by my own frailties.  It isn’t always easy. I often feel tired and defeated.  This happens even when I am not suffering through a particularly bad patch, like I did last year with all of the pneumonia, etc.

I don’t like to talk about it but every day is a bit of a struggle with fatigue and pills and insurance, and  doctors and insurance,etc. and it gets very old.

But I can choose to defy my feelings of being limited just because my body is trying to make it so.  I can make my life have meaning and I can fight the fatigue and the depression it sometimes brings by giving of myself to others and standing outside of my own needs, lest I become too inwardly focused.

And I can always remember that there is a power greater than myself that I believe connects each and every one of us in the universe into a whole.  I find great comfort in that because it means that no matter how small and inconsequential and alone I feel: I am actually not alone.  For me, that connection, G-d, reminds me that who and what we are is so much more than these frail shells we walk around in.

Maybe, one day… I can defy gravity.

Maybe, one day… I will fly.

But until then, I will: write my, sing my, love my, walk my way away from everything that brings me down.