I don’t know if anyone is still reading my blog but I have decided to keep writing it for myself if for nothing else. I guess I am an exhibitionist when it comes to writing. I just do better work if I think I am writing for an audience. I suppose that makes me a bit of a Diva, but that is a part of my personality I am well familiar with in any case!
I am tired. I am really wiped out. We have been through a lot of change recently, none of it really bad, but between that, going back to work part time and just trying to stay healthy and I have sort of hit a wall.
It feels as though my nervous system, whatever that is, cannot handle much at once. I get unbalanced very easily. I know this is because my body is always struggling, because I am sick, but understanding it in real time is not clear cut at all. Or, understanding the effects is not clear cut. I don’t know how to deal with life when I can’t seem to just power through it.
There we go! This now is the thesis of my essay: I don’t know how to deal with life when I can’t seem to just power through it. (Can you tell I teach rhetoric and composition for a living?).
I was taught to power through by my strong willed mother and by my father, who was often sick when I was growing up. That combination influences the way I deal with life and with being unwell physically.
In German there is a great way to express this: “Schaffen, Schaffen, Schaffen.”
That just means, “Work, work, work” in the literal sense but it really is the idea that when there is work to do, whatever that may be, we just do it and do it until it’s done; end of story. Germans tend to work hard at work and play hard at play. Americans seem to mix the two, which is I think problematic in its own way. Both systems have their issues.
I don’t think I am at peace with either system. I have a hard time with just sitting still and not accomplishing anything. I always feel there must be something I can get done. It is like I have to justify my existence. This is a real problem when on some days I really just need to rest.
I am trying to learn to give myself permission to be at rest and to not second guess how I think the people around me judge my inactivity, which is always an issue for me. After all, I live with someone who is a devotee of “Schaffen, Schaffen, Schaffen.”
I don’t think I am being judged. I am judging myself. I hear lots of old voices in my head saying, “Katie, get off the couch. Get your ass in gear. Naps are for the weak. You will feel better if you do ‘X’ .” Those are loud voices.
I suppose it would make sense to bring this all back to what I started with: change. Change has been in the air here and with it my routines have been different and thus I have been off kilter and tired. But, hard ass that I am, I have not given myself much credit for the fact that I am adjusting to new life rhythms. For instance, I now live with (count them) FIVE dogs, one cat and one bird. There are four adults living in my abode rather than the previous quiet I was used to.
That all equals change.
Change isn’t bad. In fact, it can be exciting and stimulating. But it just seems to wear me out.
I have lost the ability to be flexible in as many ways as I used to be.
I don’t like that.
But, nobody ever asked if I liked any of this shitty health stuff.
It just is.
It is kind of like age.
I don’t like aging and I refuse to do it gracefully. Fuck that!
I will go kicking and screaming.
And ultimately, change is what keeps us vital. Without it I would fossilize… so
Viva la Change.