Little Patience

It would seem I have run out of patience for being under the weather.  Somehow, years of being sick has piled up on me in a cummulative fashion and I just go nuts now when I have to be quiet.

I had sinus surgery five days ago and I have zero tolerance for the fact that my nose hurts, it’s stuffy, I feel exhausted and I can’t really go anywhere.  I don’t remember being this way in the past.  In fact, in the past I think I sort of sank into feeling crappy and just got through it without thinking too much.

I don’t know what the difference is.  Maybe I was stoned?  Maybe I was so tired I couldn’t fight it?  Maybe I didn’t have this feeling I have now of urgency.  I always have a feeling of urgency.  I have to do everything just in case I am completely taken out and don’t ever get better again.

That is the crux of the problem right there.  I do feel there is a guillotine hanging over me and that I have to squeeze everything I can out of each day, each moment, until that thing falls and hits me, I know not where, and stops me in my tracks.  I realize that sounds dramatic and I don’t mean to aggrandize my situation, but I just never know what is around the next corner.  I guess no one does, but with me, the nasty surprises have sort of piled up.

This brings me to a point I know I need to address.  I am a big believer that any and everything can be improved  when it comes to one’s mental/spiritual state.  It is just like anything else; it takes work.  I decided a while back I needed/wanted to put in the work to get rid of this guillotine feeling, which I think is based in medical trauma, by working with a specialized therapist.  I started that and it was really good and then found out that the therapist was not on my insurance.  Since then I have spent quite a bit of time seeking out someone new and had no luck.  I need to call my insurance and ask for a list, etc. and I have been putting it off. Why have I been putting it off? It has felt like too much.  I just reach a point where more doctors and more insurance and more phone calls overwhelm me even when I know it is in my own best interest.

Human nature is a strange beast.

The good news here is that I am writing! I am writing here and I am writing on my novel and all of that is just flowing.  I can’t complain.  At least some part of me is working!

And for those things I am really most grateful.  I will take it! Any progress is good progress.  Any forward movement is not backwards movement and it is not standing still, which is what it feels like right now with my stupid nose and sinuses.  I am standing still with my achy and stuffy nose, just waiting to be able to take off again.

For now I will have to find patience and be grateful for the mental energy to write and to think.